A Right To Dignity by Pat M., Ohio

When I first came into Al-Anon, I came to get my alcoholic son sober. He was in an alcohol rehabilitation center. I was in so much pain for him that I was willing and eager to have anyone tell me what to do. I felt confused, guilt-ridden, ashamed and miserable, but I was doing what "angels sent from God" told me to do. Thank God, they told me to go to Al-Anon. I didn't hear them say I couldn't do anying for my son. If they said all I could do was help myself, I didn't hear that either. I don't know why I went to Al-Anon. I just went.

I thought everyone in my first Al-Anon meeting was nuts because they were smiling, laughing, hugging and talking. I figured it was the wrong meeting for me. This was serious! I tried another meeting and it was the same story. I tried yet another meeting - same story again. Those "angels" had told me to go, so I kept trying different meetings. It finally hit me that the people in the meetings were sharing their pain and their healing. I wanted some of what they had because I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted peace in my life. T wanted to feel it was okay for me to be alive.

My ex-husband was an alcoholic. I was married to him for 16 years and never did get him sober. Both of my sons were alcoholics. I couldn't get them Sober either. I felt like a complete failure, but I kept going to meetings. I heard, "Keep Coming Back." I did and it helped. I didn't feel the pain quite as deeply as before. The guilt I had been feeling was beginning to make sense. I even realized I needn't feel ashamed because I wasn't the one responsible for keeping anyone sober or even happy. My situation reminded me of Step One - yes, I finally paid attention to what I was reading: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

My Mom had been ill since I was two years old. For as long as I could remember, I was responsible for the cleaning, cooking, laundry and anything else that had to be done around the house. When I was not quite 11 years old, I was responsible for taking care of my newborn sister. I learned responsibility, caretaking and enabling very early in life. But I didn't remember feeling loved. I didn't remember being listened to, much less being asked what I felt, needed or wanted. I didn't think anyone cared even a little bit about me. I remembered feeling an empty place inside that I could never fill. I used to accuse my parents of adopting me and not wanting to admit it.

With Step One, I began to believe I was once, am now, and always will be powerless over the disease of alcoholism. I did not cause it. I could not control it or its effects. My lectures and screaming did not help the alcoholic or me. They just hurt, confused and destroyed us. Through Step One, I learned I could change no one but myself. My attitude was the main thing to change. If I could keep a decent attitude, then I could do a better job of detaching - not enabling, care-taking, checking on and destroying. I could love the alcoholics in my life just as they were, even though they might slip.

On page 264 in One Day at a Time in AI-Anon it says, "They are not 'bad boys, who must be directed, disciplined or punished by us. They are sick, confused and guilt-ridden human beings with badly battered egos." A quotation at the bottom of the same page suggests the surest way to make a man a certain way is to think of him that way. The surest way for me to stay sane is to read page 264 because I believe it and feel it. I think God knew I needed to see those words in print to remember that alcoholics are human beings who deserve respect and love, too. They have a right to their own dignity. So do I. With Step One, I can continue believing in them and in myself.

Edmonton Al-Anon Information Service P.O. Box 1375 Edmonton, Alberta, T5J 2N2 (780) 433-1818 (24 hours)

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Virginia Beach, VA.